Scooby-Doo and John McCain Adventures: The Mystery of College Station
by judymudibrohtrstionk
Summary: The gang and their new friend, Senator John McCain (R-AZ), investigate the disappearance of a Heisman Trophy-winning NFL Draft hopeful.
1. Chapter 1

The Mystery Machine slowly pulled up to a gate that protected a giant mansion. After solving their last case and also global warming, the Gang had decided to call it quits on solving mysteries and settle down for the rest of their days on this Earth. The driver's side window lowered and a white-sleeved arm emerged to press the gate-open-buzzer-button-thing. When the button was pressed, it made a buzzing noise. Suddenly, a voice started speaking from the speaker on the thing with the button.

"Who's there?" the voice of a crotchety old man said.

"Uh, hi! I'm Fred Jones and I'm here with my friends here… We're going to be your new roommates!"

"Oh, that's right. I forgot my wife Cindy had arranged that. Come right in."

Suddenly, the gate started to open. Fred put his foot on the brake and shifted into drive, preparing to move forward through the gate, once the slow-moving gate decided to fully open.

"Like, whose pad is this, man?" A voice chimed in from the back of the van.

"Reah, roose rad is ris, ran?" Another voice echoed, with some sort of speech impediment.

"Shaggy, Scooby, have you two been smoki- I mean eating too many Scooby Snacks?" Fred quickly corrected himself for the sake of all the 6-year-olds out there. "We're going to be living with Senator John McCain, remember? He needed roommates, and he chose us out of everyone in the United States!"

"How nice and convenient for the plot," said a female voice that was oddly sultry for a cartoon from the 70's.

"Right indeed, Daphne!" Fred said. Velma said nothing because I didn't feel like writing her a line.

The gate had finally opened fully and Fred pulled the Mystery Machine up in front of the estate. Just as Fred put the van into park and took the keys out of the ignition, the enormous double front doors opened with great force. There stood a frail old man, grinning, with a head shaped like a crushed peanut shell. It was Senator John McCain.

"Welcome to my humble abode, my friends! We here like to call it McCainLand!" shouted Senator McCain, forcefully, as if he was screaming to the gods.

"Thanks," Fred said back, at a volume that was reasonable.

"Please come in!" McCain shouted back, and then sprinted back into his house whilst cackling to himself.

The gang unpacked the Mystery Machine and brought all their stuff into the mansion. Even Velma helped. They set foot into the foyer of McCainLand and put their stuff down. They looked all around and were in awe of how boring and plain the house looked. It was so boring and plain, I don't even want to describe it to you, because it would be a waste of time if I spent effort trying to explain how boring and plain it is to you. Suddenly, John McCain appeared again and opened his mouth to speak.

"Gang, I have some alarming news for you."


	2. Chapter 2

The gang looked shocked, even though they didn't know what the alarming news was. They looked around at each other for more information, but they all knew the same information as each other, because they had not yet heard the rest of the story from Senator McCain. After the awkwardly long pause, McCain decided to speak again.

"I just got a call from the Entertainment and Sports Programming Network in Bristol, Connecticut. It turns out they have a mystery on their hands that they would like us to solve."

"Wait a second, what do you mean, 'us?' And why would ESPN call you?" Fred questioned.

"Well, I am a well-respected Senator who fights for the rights of American citizens! And I just assumed since you guys are living with me now, I would be part of the gang too. Or, you know, I could kick you out of my house."

"Zoinks!" Shaggy said, not realizing how terribly stupid his catchphrase was. "I guess John McCain is one of the gang now, man."

John McCain cackled to himself and then turned back to the gang.

"ESPN President John Skipper just called me and told me some grim news. NFL Draft hopeful Johnny Manziel was supposed to have his NFL Pro Day today so he could show off his football skills for scouts, media personnel, and, for some reason, my good friend George Bush, Sr. But when the time came for Johnny Football to throw some balls so that ESPN could plaster his face all over the world, he never showed up. Mr. Skipper called us so that we could find Johnny Manziel and get ESPN their fall headline starlet back, because they can't run any more stories about an irrelevant Tim Tebow."

Fred turned to the rest of the gang. He had a look of determination on his face.

"Gang, I think we have one more mystery to solve."


	3. Chapter 3

The gang got off the highway in College Station, Texas, which was the home of Texas A&M University, where the missing Johnny Manziel spent his college days playing football. There wasn't enough room in the Mystery Machine for John McCain, so he was strapped to the roof with bungee cords. Oddly, he was ok with it, since he was cackling the whole way from McCainLand to College Station.

As the Mystery Machine pulled up to the campus of Texas A&M, the gang was greeted by a large man. This man was NBA superstar LeBron James. Fred rolled down the window and LeBron approached the driver's side and casually rested himself on the door frame.

"Like, holy cow, man! You're, like, NBA superstar LeBron James! What are you doing here?" Shaggy exclaimed, understandably.

"Hey John McCain, Shaggy, Scooby, the rest of the gang. I'm NBA superstar LeBron James. I'm here… well… I was... here to cheer on my boy Johnny Manziel in his NFL Pro Day. You see, Johnny recently signed with my good friend and business associate Maverick Carter and I'm probably going to make money off of Johnny's NFL signing bonus. And as ESPN's number one hyped athlete, I was going to give him some pointers and tips to be even more hyped than Tim Tebow himself. You have to help me out, gang. Johnny was going to change the sport of football like I changed the sport of basketball! ESPN and THE WORLD won't be the same without him!"

"Well, that's why we're here, Mr. NBA superstar LeBron James! To save the world!" John McCain exclaimed. "Where was Johnny Manziel last seen?"

"From what I've heard, he was last seen at the football practice facility, working on his ball throwing skills for the big day."

"Like, thanks, Mr. NBA superstar LeBron James!" Shaggy said. The gang then drove off toward the practice facility.


	4. Chapter 4

When the gang got to the practice facility, it was empty. Empty except for one person, ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter. Schefter was sitting on his laptop, alone in the dark, while looking at a picture of an ostrich.

"ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter, like, what's the deal with that picture of an ostrich, man?" Shaggy inquired.

"Oh hey, John McCain, Shaggy, Scooby, the rest of the gang. That's my wife. I'm in love with an ostrich. All the neighbors complain, you see. But she loves me, I can't help it if they don't understand it." ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter explained.

"Sounds reasonable," Daphne said. Velma wondered to herself when she's going to have a line.

"Mr. ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter, all you do is hype up people like Johnny Manziel. You obviously have eyes and ears on him at all time. Do you know where he went?" Fred asked.

"Well, the last time I saw Johnny Football, he was walking over to that extremely dimly lit corner." ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter pointed to an extremely dimly lit corner in the practice facility. "I'd say look over there."

"Thanks, Mr. ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter!" Daphne said.

The gang slowly crept over to the dimly lit corner, as to increase the dramatic effect. When they got to the corner, they looked around, but they found nothing. Scooby, however was sniffing along the base of the wall, and then found something.

"Rover rere!" Scooby shouted.

"Like, what is it, Scoob?" Shaggy wondered. Scooby pointed down at the artificial turf. Where the turf met the wall in the corner, there was a tear, and the turf was wrinkled like an old carpet.

"Like, I wonder what would happen if I lift this up?" Shaggy said to Scooby. He lifted the turf from the corner, and peeled it slowly away from the wall. Eventually he had peeled so much that it revealed a secret trapdoor. John McCain turned around and noticed what Shaggy and Scooby had uncovered.

"Is that a trapdoor? Let's go down and investigate it!"

The gang agreed and opened the trapdoor, revealing a ladder.


	5. Chapter 5

The gang reached the bottom of the ladder, and they immediately heard a weird noise. It sounded almost like a groaning. Everyone split up, because that is the best idea to do. Velma was the one that was headed toward the noise. As she inched forward, the noise got louder and louder until she hit a corner. She turned the corner quickly, and immediately ran into what was making the noise. It was a giant, green ogre! Since she quite literally ran into the ogre, he glasses popped off of her face. The ogre lifted its arms and began to look quite menacing.

"MY NAME IS SHREK AND I AM AN OGRE! RAWR!" Velma's glasses hit the ground. She instantly dropped down to the floor and began flailing her arms around in an attempt to feel for her glasses.

"My glasses! I can't see without my glasses!" she exclaimed. John McCain came running to her aid, because this always happens to Velma. Stupid Velma should probably invest in one of those things you put on the back of glasses so they can hang around your neck, because they constantly fall off of her face.

Fred turned the corner and immediately saw Shrek and screamed. Velma finally found her glasses, put them on, and looked up to see what Fred was screaming at. She too screamed at the sight of Shrek and they both started to run away.

Then one of those Scooby Doo chase scenes happened. Shrek chased everyone around and they went through doors and shit and stupid cartoon slapstick jokes happened, and there was an extremely terrible pop song playing the entire time. You know the drill.

Suddenly, as the chase scene music started to fade, a bannister in the ceiling came loose and fell on Shrek, pinning him to the ground. They just happened to be in the room where Johnny Manziel was, coincidentally tied up next to where Shrek was pinned to the ground. Fred untied Johnny, and he was immediately thankful.

"Thank you guys so much! Now I need to become the mediocre player that I can be, so that ESPN can overrate me and fawn over me!" Johnny Manziel ran away gleefully, and headed back to his Pro Day.

"Well," Fred said. "There's only one more thing to do. Unmask the villain dressed as Shrek!"

Fred went over to Shrek and tugged on his face. The Shrek mask came off and unveiled the villain. It was NBA superstar LeBron James.

"NBA SUPERSTAR LEBRON JAMES?!" The whole gang screamed in disbelief.

"Why did you do it NBA superstar LeBron James?" John McCain asked, like a disappointed grandpa would.

"I wanted ESPN to only show coverage of me! No sharing! Johnny Manziel would take away all of my airtime! Unacceptable! Do you know how many hours would be taken away from me? Not one! Not two! Not three! Not four! Not five! Not six! Not seven! THAT'S TOO MANY HOURS OF NOT-LEBRON! It should be LEBRONSPN, not ESPN! I WANT ALL EYES ON ME!" LeBron started foaming at the mouth.

"Well, it looks like you're going to be in a cage from now on, like I was when I was in Vietnam," John McCain said. The gang laughed. LeBron was handcuffed and taken to jail for being a sorry excuse for a human being.


	6. Chapter 6

The gang was all dressed up, ready for the big night. They sat in their seat in the front row. It was May 8th, the night of the 2014 NFL Draft. Johnny Manziel sat in his seat next to the gang. It was a tough night for Johnny Football. His draft stock kept falling and falling, cutting into his ego and steadily breaking his inner sanctum. It seemed as if the unthinkable was going to happen; Johnny Manziel was going to be drafted in the second round.

All of a sudden, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell came out to announce the next pick, which belonged to the Philadelphia Eagles.

"The Philadelphia Eagles have traded the 22nd pick to the Cleveland Browns. With the 22nd overall pick, the Cleveland Browns select… Johnny Manziel, quarterback, Texas A&M."

The crowd cheered loudly. Johnny Manziel stood up and looked pretty sad, as if he had been crying the entire night. Clearly this exacerbated the sadness. Johnny Football was headed to the saddest franchise in all of sports, and there was nothing he could do about it. The gang looked around, embarrassed that they helped this wonderful football player end up on such a sorry franchise. John McCain called up the general manager of the Arizona Cardinals to scold him for letting Manziel drop this low.

Johnny walked onto the stage, and accepted his Cleveland Browns hat. He continued on, and walked over to NFL Commissioner Goodell, with whom he shook hands and gave him a photo opportunity. A reporter came up to him and asked him why the Cleveland Browns would have selected him.

"I have character, and God wanted me to land in Cleveland," Johnny Football said, with a grin on his face.

The camera then froze, like at the end of The Breakfast Club, and then a Smashmouth song started to play.

THE END


End file.
